Jokes

Posted By John White On 2020-01-31 18:35:58

SOME THINGS ARE JUST BETTER LEFT UNSAID  AND I USUALLY REALIZE IT RIGHT AFTER I SAY THEM.
If you can’t fix it with a hammer you have an electrical problem.

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Last night my internet stopped working so I spent a few hours with my family. They seem like nice people.

I don’t always go the extra mile but when I do it is because I missed my exit.

At my funeral take the bouquet off my coffin and throw into the crowd to see who is next.

I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made an appointment for Tuesday.

I asked my Grandpa, “After 65 years you still call Grandma darling, sweetheart, beautiful and honey. What’s the secret? He said, “I forgot her name 5 years ago and I’m scared to ask.”

My wife asked me to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you. Apparently she did not mean Subway.

Before you start popping that bubble wrap, remember, the air is from China…


When I was a kid my parents would always say, “Excuse my French” just after a swear word. I’ll never forget my first day of school when my teacher asked if any of us knew French.

SOME THINGS ARE JUST BETTER LEFT UNSAID  AND I USUALLY REALIZE IT RIGHT AFTER I SAY THEM.

A man in Washington sued his local hospital saying that after his wife had surgery she lost all interest in sex. A hospital spokesman replied, “Mrs. Jones was admitted for cataract surgery. All we did was correct her eyesight.”


My local Member of Parliament decided to try horseback riding, even though he had no lessons, nor prior experience. He mounted the horse unassisted, and the horse immediately sprang into motion.


It galloped along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but my MP began to slide from the saddle. In terror, he grabbed for the horses mane, but could not seem to get a firm grip. He tried to throw his arms around the horse’s neck, but he slid down the horse’s side anyway. The horse galloped along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up his frail grip, he tried to leap away from the horse and throw himself to safety. Unfortunately, his foot had become entangled in the stirrup. My MP was now at the mercy of the horse’s pounding hooves as his head is struck against the ground over and over.


As his head was battered against the ground, he was mere moments away from unconsciousness Then to his great fortune Frank, the Walmart greeter, saw his dilemma and unplugged the horse.
 
Russ and Sam, two friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons and discuss world problems.


One day Russ didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something. But after Russ hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried. 


A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Russ, but one day, Sam approached the park and there sat Russ! He said, “For crying out loud Russ, what happened to you?”
Russ replied, “I’ve been in jail.”
“Jail!” cried Sam. “What in the world for?”
“Well,” Russ said, “you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the  coffee shop?”
“Yeah,” said Sam, “What about her?”
“Well, the little gold-digger figured I was rich, and she filed rape charges against me.”
“Then what happened?”
“Well at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded  'guilty.'
The judge gave me 30 days for perjury.”

Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. He'd never been to church in his life.  After Mass, the priest caught up with him and said, "Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?"
Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father. A while back, I misplaced me hat, and I really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine and I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of the church. So, I was going to leave early and steal McGlynn's hat."
The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?"
Murphy replied, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat after all."
With a tear in his eye, the priest gave Murphy a big smile and said, "After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell?"|
Murphy slowly shook his head. "No, Father, after ya talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' I remembered where I left me hat.

Good News
I just took a leaflet out of my mailbox, informing me that I can have sex at 73. I'm so happy, because I live at number 71. So it's not too far to walk home afterwards. And it's the same side of the street. I don't even have to cross the road!



  Father O'Malley
Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new Ottawa Parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed a donkey lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called Parliament Hill. The conversation went like this:
"Good morning. This is Justin Trudeau, How might I help you?"
"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann's Catholic Church. There's a donkey lying dead in me front lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a couple o'yer lads to take care of the matter?"
Trudeau , considering himself to be quite a wit, thought he would have a little fun with the good father, so he replied, "Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took
care of the last rites!"
There was dead silence on the line for a moment . . . .
Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye,' tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next
of kin first, which is the reason for me call."
Complete And Finished
When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE. When you marry the wrong
woman, you are FINISHED.  And when the right one catches you with the wrong one,
you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!!!

On average, an American man will have sex two to three times a week. Whereas, in some cultures, a man will have sex only one or two times a year. This is very upsetting news for me.  I was always told that I was American.
It is a five minute walk from my house to the pub. It is a 35 minute walk from the pub to my house.
The difference is staggering…

Jellyfish have survived 650 million years, despite not having a brain. This gives so many politicians hope.

Electile dysfunction: The inability to be aroused by any of the parties standing for election.
 Changes
Answering machine message, "I am not available right now, but
thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes
in my life. Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not
return your call, you are one of the changes."

It’s coming…With the rise of self-driving vehicles, it’s only a matter of time before there’s a Country song where a guy’s truck leaves him.

Q: Have you heard about McDonald’s new Liberal Value Meal?
A: Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it.

Bad governments are elected .....by the people that did not vote.....

My wife says I have two faults. I don’t listen and something else…

Scientists say that the universe is made up of Protons, Neutrons, and Electrons. They forgot to mention Morons.

You have to take everything a politician says with a grain of salt. Unfortunately we are not supposed to consume that much salt.

Some days the supply of curse words in insufficient to meet my demands

The best thing about the good old days is I wasn’t good and I wasn’t old.

The older I get, the earlier it gets late.

Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life outta nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops.

It is a five minute walk from my house to the pub. It is a 35 minute walk from the pub to my house.
The difference is staggering…

Jellyfish have survived 650 million years, despite not having a brain. This gives so many politicians hope.

Electile dysfunction: The inability to be aroused by any of the parties standing for election.



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Prayer:

A lady jumped out of her car and ran into the pharmacy. When she got back to her car she realized she was locked out. She looked around and found an old wire hanger. As she was attempting to unlock her car a scruffy looking guy rode up on his motorcycle.
“Can I help you?” he asked.  She said, “Oh thank you, I was just asking God for some help.”
In a flash he had the door unlocked.  She said, “Thank you Lord for sending this nice young man.”
He said, “Lady, I am not a nice man, I just got out of prison.”
“What for?” she asked. He replied “Grand theft auto.”
She looked up and smiled, “Thank you Lord for sending me a professional.”

The Gift:
One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift. The next year, he didn't buy her a gift. When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started..... 

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Ray and Bob, two Government maintenance guys, were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.
“We’re supposed to find the height of the flagpole,” said Bob, “But we don’t have a ladder.”
The woman said, “Hand me that wrench out of your toolbox.”
She loosened a few bolts, and then laid the pole down. She then took a tape measure from their toolbox, took a measurement and announced, “Eighteen feet, six inches” and walked away.
Ray shook his head and laughed, “Well, ain’t that just like a miss-know-it-all woman’" he said,  “We need the height and she gives us the length!”
Ray and Bob are still working for the government but now they are Members of Parliament.

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One liners

Welcome to the internet where opinions are facts and sources don’t matter…

Whoever said, “Do the job right the first time, and you’ll never have to do it again.” Never shovelled a Canadian driveway.

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Gorilla Glue – The amazing new lipstick that helps you lose weight.

If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.
 
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That's your common sense leaving your body.
 
Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
 
Raising teenagers is like nailing Jello to a tree.
Don’t confuse my personality with my attitude. My personality is who I am my attitude depends on who you are.

When you are dead you don’t know you are dead. It is only difficult for others.
It is the same when you are stupid.

There are times when my greatest accomplishment is just keeping my mouth shut…

I don't mean to brag but......I finished my 14-day diet in 3 hours and 20 minutes.

Light travels faster than sound that is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.